A Few Theories on How the World Will End

I believe this to be a topic of concern to us all. Although I don’t know how others view it, I personally feel that the world ending poses a bit of a predicament to the human race. Nonexistence, in my opinion, does not appear to be a great deal of fun.

Well, the words of Molière aside – “Of all follies there is none greater than wanting to make the world a better place...” – I believe that this world can be saved. All that we have to do is examine and then circumvent each and every possible threat to it. With that in mind, I have made a short list of what I believe to be the prime threats to human existence:

The first threat is ghetto literature. Unlike most genres, where a mere majority of the books are crap, the entire genre of urban/ghetto/hip hop literature is crap. Merely looking at the cover of one of these books deducts five points from one’s intelligence. The actual act of reading one of these books is highly hazardous to ones health and may result in the growth of a malignant neoplasm in the frontal lobe. The human race could be wiped out in this way.

The second is the movement to be “emo.” There’s nothing wrong with going for a certain look, but the emo look requires such a great amount of effort, precision, and hairspray, that as more people go into the emo scene, fewer things in the world will be accomplished, and the world will eventually fall into shambles (but everyone will have awesomely stylish hair).

The third is the globalization of McDonald’s. It will result in children being poorly educated, as their main sources of information – McDonald’s Happy Meal bags – prove to be inaccurate in their scientific basis.

The fourth is a hostile takeover of the world by either Walgreens or Walmart, or – what’s even worse – a gruesome war between the two, with all of humanity trapped in the midst of it, desperately clutching our two-for-one coupons, and wondering whether we will save that $1.50 on our purchase of Folgers Coffee.

The fifth is Bill Gates. Sooner or later, he will create an improved alternate world to this one, and, making it come standard with windows, he will force everyone into it.